Amairo no life

From yesterday

It’s Wednesday, August 14. The place – London, Braganza Street, my number, my room, my bed. It’s half past nine. I’m currently alone, listening Poets of the Fall. Today was a disaster. A test for my self-confidence. I fell broken, for a while… wondering what I’m doing here, why I’m here in this big city, why I’m doing my best to survive, because currently, believe me, this life of mine… this is surviving, not living.

I finished work and the time on the way home was… hardest. Trying not to cry in the train. 50 minutes traveling, doing my best not to cry. Thinking, thinking, thinking… I’m going crazy. It’s so hard, really very hard. Even though I know the language, even so everything… English people hate Bulgarian. It’s harder than I thought.

But then… I realized. Why I’m doing this? Did I forgot already? I have a dream… and this dream will never come true if I stay and work in Bulgaria. I will never see Tokyo if I’m there… and, you know, my heart is calling for Tokyo. I want it too much and that’s why I’m doing my best to survive here. The beginnings are always hardest, they say, and now I can confirm. It’s very hard, believe me, in this place in this condition.

I wish I will have proper work, I wish I can work the things I’m good t, but now… it’s not possible. Wherever I say I’m Bulgarian, the door is closed for me. But I won’t give up. I’ll try everything, I will work as hard as I can, even though this work is very hard and tiring. But I know, someday soon, I hope it will be possible next year, I will go to see Tokyo and some special people in it. I only hope, they will remain my friends till that time comes.

I also kinda want to apologize. I’m always moaning about the things, but this is the place where I can write my thoughts, because people I’m here with, they don’t know about my blog and I don’t want to say this things to them, because they don’t get me right and they don’t know me as the person I really am. In front of everyone I’m always strong, always saying the right things, thinking about other’s feelings. Here I can write my own way.

I want back talking with my besties. I want to talk with Dani and Milena, but currently I can’t. This is the saddest thing of all, the fact that I can’t talk with them, people who knows me the best, people who knows how to make up my mind… my people! Yes, Galya (my roommate) is really good friend of mine, but no one knows me like Dani, my personal Sakura Romance.

But… I need to be strong, right? I have a dream to become true!


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