How to start this writing? I don’t know. So many things has happened lately I can’t even believe all of this is in my past now. I’m going back to Bulgaria. This is my decision. Some will say that this is the easiest way and I have to stay here and fight etc. etc. etc.
But… I tried. Yes, I failed and I know it. I thought that my future will be here, I had so many plans, but nothing of this had happened. I know that all of this is my responsibility and I don’t blame anyone for this. I did made a mistake, but people make mistakes.
I tried to believe in myself and to do my best, but it’s really hard when there is someone, who keep telling you that you can’t do anything and that everybody else are better than you. This mental attack is the main thing, which helps me to make this decision to go back. Also the fact that I worked and I didn’t get paid for it. I can’t live only with air; I can’t pay my bills with air… and I have nobody to help me. This may sounds as an excuse and maybe it is, but I don’t care.
Yes, I had failed! On one side are people, who keep telling me that I’m no good… On other side are people, who keep telling me that all my things, interests and everything is bullshit… On third side – there’s nobody and I’m totally alone with nobody to talk to. And this is every fucking day, these 2 months. This also may sounds as an excuse and maybe it is, but I don’t care.
I don’t care anymore. Whole my life I’m trying to be good, to help to other people, to be good person all in all. And now, when I finally decided what is good for me, they started to tell me that I’m an egoist. It hurts the most, when it comes from the closest people in your life. But yes, I don’t care anymore. I’ll do what I want and I’ll do the things how I like them! Nobody can stop me now.
Obviously, I had failed! I fall, I’m on my knees. But I’m strong, I had always been strong. And I’m going to start again. This time in my country, where I was born. Yes, the situation there is not good, but it’s my country and I have rights to work whatever I want. And the most important, there are people there, who love me.
This is the most frank entry I had ever written in Internet. And this will be the last. But I really do needed to say (in my case to write) this things.
Well then, I’ll write here again when I’m in Bulgaria!