Amairo no life

Living a life with expectations

Hello, April! How are you? …

Strangely, I’m back in London. This city is mesmerizing me and lures me again, but I’m not sure what I want. I’m here for already a week and still in confusion. Everything happened so fast. And here I am, waiting for my national insurance number and looking for a job. I need money, so I can be able to pay my bills in Bulgaria. And I cannot make up my mind and don’t know if I want to stay here or go back in Bulgaria.

In my country, I have my work experience and everything else and I can have proper job. Here, I’m nobody. I’m going again from zero. I have nobody – no friends and nobody to talk to. Yes, I’m living with my sister, but we’re so different from each other and we can never have a proper talk. She’s busy with her family and her life and currently I play as her servant, which is not nice for me. Of course, she don’t care about me, even if she says otherwise. I played that song once, I don’t want another try. For her I’m not important, I’m nobody, I don’t have work experience and she’s way better than me. All my choices are wrong, according to her.

You know, it’s bad to live with all that expectations from the others. And it’s bad when their voices are so high that you can’t hear yourself and your thoughts and what you really want. That times when you can’t even see yourself as a person… it’s so awful.

Expected to do all the house chores, to care for my nephew all the time and to be available all the time, whenever she wants me to. This don’t feels right. And it’s funny that other people see me as a person, but she cannot.

And yet, here I am. Missing my Bulgarian home and all my friends and family there. What should I do – stay in London and build my life from zero again or go back to Bulgaria and live my life there with all my people and things? It’s a hard path to walk…


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